2001 - A Beef Odyssey

Well my beef-loving friends, "2001 - A Beef Odyssey" has occurred. The official beef-fest gathering was held on Saturday the ninth of June at Beef HQ in Birmingham.

"Beef-fest 2000" featured only two pounds of fine rump per contender, during the planning of "2001 - A Beef Odyssey" it was decided that this year the personal meat quotas would be raised to a manlier three pounds of mixed grill, obviously including two points of good manly steak.

The day began cloudy much to the annoyance of all involved but after some serious downpours in the afternoon a fine beef-eating climate was established. We had charcoal, barbeques, meat, beers, cigars, a sound system and some good friends. All we needed to do was combine these into an evening unparalleled in its sheer comedy piss-up beef-eating qualities.

The competitor results are as follows:

Captain Random - Did not compete - Olympic Walker by Default
Evil - Did not compete - Clown Master by Default
The Rock - Victorious
The General - Victorious
Ood - Victorious
Spanners - Victorious
The Hipster - Victorious but it was only veggies and cod

We also had three additional unexpected competitors who I'm afraid to say did not serve to improve the overall success rate:

Em - Did not bring the required quota but assisted with beef preperation on behalf of The General and Spanners so we'll let her off just this once.
Helen - Fell asleep on the roof - Cheese Thief as quota was not consumed beforehand
Jim - Did not bring the required quota - Badger Worrier

Sequence of Events at "2001 - A Beef Odyssey"

1730: Three barbeques lit. Sound system wired using Spanners' mp3 collection, 2 speakers and a very long wire.
1800: Initial beef consumption.
1830: Captain Random and Evil announce that they will not be joining the festivities. A-holes.
1900: Ood and Jim arrive with beef and booze. The cooking of meat ensues.
1930: Ate some beef. Fired up the fourth barbeque.
2000: Spanners discovers that a red kidney bean can makes a great beef tenderiser.
2030: Sophie arrives, doubling our lady quota. However she has already had tea and will not be enjoying any bovine cheeks.
2100: The Rock has issues with holding his beef down. Some is lost down the toilet but his quota is still acheivable thanks to his decision to purchase three pounds of beef and two pounds of mixed kebabs.
2130: Helen falls asleep on the garage roof. Hmmm.
2200: The General offers Jim a fiver to drink the water that his sea monkeys used to live in before they died. Jim accepts. It was quite salty. With his new found wealth, Jim goes to Spar to get some beers. Spanners joins him and also buys Snuff 'cos The General said that once his mate took some and then sneezed three hundred times.
2230: Ate some beef. Did some snuff. Sneezed.
2300: The final steaks are placed on the barbeque.
2330: The beef quotas are acheived by The Rock, The General, Ood and Spanners. And The Hipster ate all his veggies.
0000: Manly cigars are enjoyed on the garage roof by The Rock, The General and Spanners.
0030: It gets a bit cold on the roof so we go inside to watch 'Ferris Bueller's Day Off'.
0100: Watch film. Spanners drifts in and out of conciousness. Ood just passes out on the sofa.
0130: Watch film. The General farts. Everyone laughs.
0200: Film ends. Ood is still asleep so we do what any good friend would do - we draw all over his face in marker pen. We then wake him up and he and Jim leave. The pen is not noticed until Ood gets home.
0230: Sophie leaves. Everyone elso goes to bed. "2001 - A Beef Odyssey" is over.