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Competitors For 2003 - Beef Is The Word

The Rock

Special Move: Bash Attack

In training for "2003 - Beef Is The Word" The Rock is rumoured to have eaten 3.78x108 packets of Pringles. He spends most of his spare time with his pet minge Mr Sniffles, who he keeps in a shoebox underneath his bed.

The General

Special Move: The Heterosexual Wink

A Beef-Fest veteran, the general owes his supreme surliness to his expulsion from the 'Cofton Hacket Pixie Academy' - at the age of seven he was caught secreting fairy dust into a classmate's winkle-picker. His one joy in life is his masterplan to terraform his left eyebrow into a mangrove.


Special Move: The Forbidden Dance

To counteract his clean lifestyle, Ood spends his weekends inhaling the exhaust fumes from haulage vehicles. Well I presume that's what he meant when he said he spent Saturday night with his mouth around a trucker's greasy pipe.

Randy Barbie Meatball

Special Move: Atomic Nipple-Cripple

Sophie has hands (but you can't see them in this picture). Also her leg bone is connected to her thigh bone.


Special Move: Circle-square-left-right-triangle

Classy, handsome, well toned and hung like a horse, Spanners uses his god-like powers in the continuing struggle to end war, famine and suffering thus creating a utopian Earth. During his wait for apotheosis, Spanners passes the time by designing certain web-sites.

The Hipster

Special Move: The Charles-The-First

Being the only vegetarian competitor, the Hipster is a toad-sniffer by default. But don't be too hard on him because he once ate some pepperoni by mistake, believing it to be a type of cheese (no, really it's true).

Pimpin' Gangsta Emmy G

Special Move: The Hairy Spaniard

Pimpin' Gangsta Emmy G is using '2002 - A Beef Palindrome' as a text case in her experiments for the International Centre for the Prevention of Jogger's Nipple' in Stockolm. She is attempting to challenge the assertion that an excess of beef has no effect whatsoever on the condition - hence the name 'Jogger's Nipple' rather than 'Beef Nipple', an altogether more interesting prospect.

Batty Meat Dave

Special Move: Slap Your Mum

Although he looks the picture of innocence, Batty Meat Dave is not a competitor you would like to meet on a dark alleyway after enjoying a sherry or two down at your local tavern. Unlike other beef-fest competitors, Batty Meat Dave's quota is a medical necessity as due to an ancient curse, without a plentiful injection of fresh beef shortly before midsummer he will revert back to his original form of street-beaver, making his way through life stealing the shoes from unfortunate passers by to serve his uncontrollable instinct to build a dam.


Special Move: The Dominican Face-Hat

Although being present at every previous Beef-Fest event, this is Mosha's first year as a competitor. When asked what had held her back in the past, Mosha simply replied "METALLLLLLLLLLL". We can only assume that this means she was concerned about manly beef getting stuck in her braces.


Special Move: The Lord Of The Ming

A defector from rival 'Onion-Fest', Montu realised the error of his ways when after eating two pounds of onions his tear-ducts went into seisure causing his house to be washed away.
This year Montu's beef will be provided by his pet cow Nancy.

The Big 'O'

Special Move: The Elvis Leg

1960s style crooner The Big 'O' is flying in to Beef-Fest direct from a very successful run at Caesar's Palace (the all-you-can-eat Italian restaurant in Scunthorpe, not the Vegas Casino).
Sadly The Big 'O's trademark sequinned jacket will not be appearing at '2003 - Beef Is The Word' as it had a nasty accident last week with the chef's special sauce.

Past Competitors

Captain Random

Special Move: Walking in an affected manner

A newcomer to the beef-fest movement, Captain Random spends most of his time looking for spiders and aspires to be fitted with triple-choke Webber carburetors. 'Cos then he can start using unleaded.


Special Move: Hot Karl

Evil divides his time equally between being secret master of the universe and petting kittens. However his strength has been drained recently by an operation to replace one of his heart-cockles. He is hoping to make a full recovery for the event.


Special Move: The Texas Half-Hitch

Beef-fest has been built on the joys of gnawing on excessive amounts of undercooked mammal arse, or what Vertigo calls Friday night.
To add further excitement to the competition, Vertigo plans to consume her quota via osmosis - simply thrusting the beef against her forehead and hoping for it to be absorbed. Consequently bookies are giving 43:1 againt her achieving the quota.

The Enchanted Monkey

Special Move: The Midnight Donner

To attend '2002 - A Beef Palindrome', The Enchanted Monkey has had to take some time away from his busy job smuggling bananas to the Ukraine. His absence has led to rioting by the Ukranian peasanty folk who just can't get enough of that yellowy goodness.
The Enchanted Monkey's main regret in life is losing his position as 'Hostess With The Mostess' after being caught tickling his fancy in public.